Category: Discussions & Opinions

Choose Your Own Adventure

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In life, we are faced with many choices.  Some of them are easy to make, and some seem utterly impossible.  When it comes to the choice of Life or Death, how do you choose?

ANCIENT HISTORY TO MODERN DAY
Euthanasia (from Greek: εὐθανασία; “good death”) may have been standard practice long before the Greeks gave a name to it, or Socrates sipped his hemlock, and it’s clear that it was not unique to that region.  The Japanese practice of Ubasute (abandoning the elderly or infirm on a mountain to die), Serbian Lapot, the Norse/Germanic Attestupa, and on and on…

In God on Trial, Rane Willerslev describes the practices of the Chukchi People of the Russian Arctic:

Among the Chukchi, human sacrifice is, as a matter of ethnographic fact, a customary practice. In the early ethnographies, it goes under the name of “voluntary death,” and it involves the killing of a close family member—often ill and aged—who expresses a wish to die (Borogas, 1904).

Willerslev argues that this Chukchi practice is really just human sacrifice, equating it with the story of Abraham’s binding of Isaac in the Hebrew Scriptures. His basis for this argument is that they are both based on faith (and/or trickery), and therefore a sacrifice, not a mercy killing.

The history of these ancient practices in our subconscious, along with our modern, societal psychological hangups around aging, have given rise to a plethora of dystopian fantasies revolving around this premise: Logan’s Run, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Stargate Atlantis, Boomsday, to name just a few.

For “assisted suicide” (voluntary active euthanasia) and its debate, one needs only search the internet for the controversial Dr. Kervorkian.

The argument for or against legalized euthanasia could (and does) fill several million articles and blog posts, and the ethics of it leads to extremely personal and volatile discussion, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about.  I am writing about voluntary passive euthanasia, as it has popped-up a lot in my life in this last year.

VOLUNTARY DEATH
 Life’s like a movie: write your own ending…

SUFFERING:
My husband’s grandmother was either 103 or 106 when she died (her birth records were lost in a fire, and being a lady, she never told her true age).  She survived 2 world Wars, 2 husbands, and witnessed the dawn of 2 centuries.  Towards the end, she was very frail, and depended on others to take care of her.  Her sight and hearing were failing, and it was extremely hard for her to get around.  Many times, she was heard  lamenting “Why won’t God take me?”

CHOOSING:
A friend of mine just lost her father. He was 98 years old. A war hero, a beloved doctor in his community, and a widower for over 30 years, his last few months were filled with friends dying, subsequent bouts of depression, and infections that caused balance issues.  One fall resulted in a broken neck that, at his age, would never heal. It required wearing an uncomfortable neck brace 24 hours a day, taking away his comfort and his ability to drive or to take care of himself.  When they found a possible melanoma on his back, he decided not to get it biopsied. “If it’s cancer, so what?” he said. “I’m 98 years old. Why fight it?”  His doctor and his daughter (a doctor herself) agreed.  When an infection caused him to be bedridden, he made the conscious decision to stop fighting altogether. He stopped eating and was given basic palliative end-of-life care so he could be comfortable. He passed away on his own terms, and in his own time, surrounded by his family.

A NEW TREND?:
Currently, a close family member and a friend’s mother (both in their 80s) are going through eerily similar circumstances. Both have different forms of cancer that have metastasized and entered their lymph nodes.  In both cases, radical radiation or chemotherapy might help, but the prognosis is not clear, and the treatments would come at a high cost (both physically and financially).  Both have decided not to undergo these treatments.  They both know the consequences, but have weighed their options and decided on quality of life over quantity of life.  Understandably, their families are devastated, but having witnessed countless others suffer during treatment only to succumb to the disease, they are (reluctantly) accepting of this decision.    

I wonder if I would make the same decision, or if I could allow someone close to me to make that decision without a fight.

PERSONAL CHOICE:
My parents both died of complications from Alzheimer’s Disease.  Odds are, if I live long enough, that I will face that same dreadful curse.  Should that time come, I honestly don’t know what I would choose.  Practicality says “Think of the pain (to myself) and the burden of care (to my family, to our finances) that I could avoid.” Human Nature reminds me to be scared of Death, and Hope wants to hold out for a cure that could come down-the-line.  For me, there is the added burden that Alzheimer’s is a slow and drawn-out demise.  So I would be faced with the added question of “When would be the right time to go?”  I think that would be more important than the how.

“To die will be an awfully big adventure.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

MISC. RELATED LINKS:
Cost of Treatment in Medical Decision Making?
The High Cost of Dying
Cost Analysis of Medical Assistance in Dying (plus this article)
The High Cost of Cancer Treatment – AARP
When Fighting Cancer isn’t Worth It
Alzheimer’s Death – Being Patient
Gene Wilder’s Wife on Caring for Someone with Alzheimer’s
Robin Williams – “The Hardest Role of His Life”
6 Questions to Ask Before Writing a Living Will

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.  Do you have any experience with a loved one choosing death over suffering?  Do you judge those that consider it (voluntary euthanasia)?  Would you, yourself, consider this choice if the situation arose?  Could you choose for someone that couldn’t choose for themselves (involuntary euthanasia)?  Do you have a DNR (do not resuscitate) order or a Living Will?

 

EDIT: I promise, the next post will be something happy and uplifting.
I put that Muppet Movie video in there to lighten the mood a little bit…

Please don’t…

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… finish my sentences.  I am 100% sure you do not know what I’m going to say.  It makes you look pushy, or bored with the conversation, or just like an asshole.  I understand that people do this to impress upon you that they have a superior intellect and that they are not only following-along with what you are saying, they already know everything about it.

… yell at me when I’m trying to help you.  If you’ve asked for my assistance and I am giving it to you, don’t take your frustrations out on me when I can’t understand what you are asking for.  I understand you are frustrated and angry with yourself and your situation, but the person helping you should never have to deal with your misdirected anger.

… wait in front of the train door when people are trying to get off.  You will get on, but only if you let us make room for you by exiting the car.

I don’t want to be negative, but there are certain behaviors that make me question how people have gotten this far in their lives without being told that these behaviors are unacceptable or rude.  I have already railed against self-important, blameless people, but it seems to be becoming the norm to be someone who is so outwardly self-centered, yet (ironically?) the exact opposite of self-aware.  Perhaps I am blessed to have had the time, resources, and opportunities to examine my own life choices – my temperament, my faults – maybe most people do not have that luxury?

Know thyself not Know thy selfie.

Is it because no one has challenged them up to this point?  Is that why they continue (or even start to develop) these behaviors?  Why is it tolerated in today’s society?  Are we so beaten-down by the daily news, or numb from being inundated with social feeds of people excelling (or, with schadenfreude: failing) in their lives?

i’d love to hear your thoughts.

The “Not My Fault” Generation

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Like Beetlejuice, Bloody Mary or the Candyman, simply speaking their name can conjure-up an assumed attack, so I won’t use the “M” word.  Besides, I don’t have to, you knew who I was referring to just from the title, didn’t you?  Take a moment to think about that, whichever generation you may belong to.

Generations are always at odds about something.  From the dawn of time, the older generations think the younger are lazier or less (insert anything here) than they were.  The younger generation thinks the older generation is behind-the-times or too conservative.

Full disclosure: I am from Generation X (the latter end, though too early to be an Elder Millenial).  Am I supposed to blame the Baby Boomers for everything that is wrong?  Growing up, we heard a LOT about the Boomers, presumably because there were so many of them and because they held the power of the media at the time.  Some started young and had large families, and others had careers before they had children, so our generation spanned a wide range of older groupings and younger only children.  We also had a significantly larger number of us raised in single parent homes than the generations before us.  Personal observations have taught me that children from big families are polarized when it comes to raising their own families, depending on their own experiences.  Some had wonderful childhoods and want the same large unit they had.  Some had less-than-happy childhoods, so they limit their children to 1 or 2.  We definitely had a drop in fertility rates and statistically, the average family is still getting smaller.

Infertility treatments became a big business on the cusp of the generational switch in the late 70’s/early 80s, and continues to grow with seemingly no end. As technology improved, families should have been growing for GenX, not shrinking.  Is it because our generation waited to have children until their careers and homes were established?  Later (aged 35 or older) pregnancies come with increased risk and high medical cost, especially if treatment is needed, so late-in-life families tend towards sole child households.  These children are usually referred to as “miracle babies.”

It should come as no surprise that these miracle babies would be raised to be overprotected, overpraised, and sometimes overly criticized.  They represent a significant, and often painful, physical and financial investment, and are sometimes treated as such. Though not a new concept, GenX perfected Helicopter Parenting.  Can we blame them for an assumption of privilege or self-entitlement?  We have coddled a majority of this generation and done them a disservice when it comes to taking action for themselves or taking responsibility.

This report from the Pew Research Center shows that, financially, they are exceeding previous generations at their age, yet the media tells us that they can’t get jobs, or will not work because they won’t take jobs that are beneath them.  I have witnessed young job applicants that assume they are entitled to a senior-level salary directly out of college.  Perhaps schools need to teach more about starting salaries and advancement opportunities instead of teaching them that their career will start immediately.

Did we create this? Are we to blame for their Me Me Me behavior? Technology? Social Media?

To go back to this piece, the writer comes right out and says:
Stop blaming us for our issues when it was partially the fault of those who came before.

I will give him credit for including the word “partially,” yet there is still never an admission of his own fault.  It’s alluded to, but never addressed.

There are a few people here in town from this generation that are very active on social media and treat it as if their ~400 friends are actually millions of followers and that they are significant cultural leaders or celebrities.  You know the type – they ‘like’ or react to their own posts, and write them, as if for Buzzfeed, with leading and vague elements to drum-up interest.  One (let’s call him Jack) recently lost his job because he posted a libelous fake review on Yelp for another business, calling the owner homophobic, among other things.  He thought this was acceptable behavior because the business owner had given him a fake review that brought down his personal rating (rather than dealing with it the mature way).  The business owner told Jack’s boss about it, and the boss fired Jack (rightfully so) for the behavior and its reflection on her business.  Jack took to social media to tell his side of the story, pleading with his followers not to be mad at his former boss, blaming the other business owner, and taking none of the blame himself.   Now, Jack is licensed by the city.  He, again, went to social media to publicly accuse the licensing department of discrimination (he is bisexual) because they were refusing to renew his license.  Once again, he is not to blame for anything – everyone else has done this to him.

I have worked with two different strong career women (both technically of Baby Boomer generation) that used various methods to conceive a late-in-life first (and only) child.  Both of them treated their daughter like princesses, and both young ladies are now in their 20s, extremely sensitive to any minor inconvenience, and utterly spoiled.  I had known one of them since she was a baby, and I watcher her mother fawn and bow-down to this child (the few times a day she wasn’t with the nanny) to the point that the teenage daughter was essentially in control of the relationship and had her every whim seen to.

I’d like to think that each generation learns from the two before it and the one after it.  GenX is taught by the Boomers in response to what the Boomer’s saw were our Grandparents’ mistakes.  GenX then teaches this generation based on what we saw were the Boomer’s mistakes, and we grow based on what we learn in this ‘experiment’ of raising a next generation.

How will this generation react to the “Z Generation” when they come of age?  Will GenZ even come of age with Anti-vaxxers, multiple wars, drug-resistant infectious diseases, global warming, pollution…

Well, that’s depressing, so here’s a tongue-in-cheek ending:

“Get off my lawn!” will soon evolve into “Get off my semi-biodegradable, sustainably-dyed astroturf-made-of-89%-post-consumer-waste!”

What are your thoughts?

ENFP

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I can’t remember where I took this test, but I thought enough to save the results in a .doc file, so I thought I’d share it here:

ENFP – THE INSPIRER

Extraverted – Intuitive – Feeling – Perceiving

FAMOUS ENFPs:

Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain, Salman Rushdie, Julian Assange, Walt Disney, Anne Frank, Fidel Castro, Keira Knightley, Jack White, Ellen DeGeneres, Orson Welles, Robin Williams, Gwen Stefani, Sandra Bullock, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Daniel Radcliffe, Sharon Stone

PERCENTAGE OF ENFPs AMONG POPULATION: 8.1%

ENFP – DESCRIPTION

ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things that interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent. They have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their life. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their life and values to achieve inner peace. They’re constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP’s life, and because they are focused on keeping “centered”, the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.

An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extroverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.

Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm and interested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships. ENFPs almost always have a strong need to be liked. Sometimes, especially at a younger age, an ENFP will tend to be “gushy” and insincere, and generally “overdo” in an effort to win acceptance. However, once an ENFP has learned to balance their need to be true to themselves with their need for acceptance, they excel at bringing out the best in others, and are typically well-liked. They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level.

Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery. They place no importance on detailed, maintenance-type tasks, and will frequently remain oblivious to these types of concerns. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for ENFP’s family members.

ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.

ENFPs who have not learned to follow through may have a difficult time remaining happy in marital relationships. Always seeing the possibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is. The strong sense of values, however, will keep many ENFPs dedicated to their relationships. However, ENFPs like a little excitement in their lives, and are best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and new experiences.

Having an ENFP parent can be a fun-filled experience, but may be stressful at times for children with strong Sensing or Judging tendencies. Such children may see the ENFP parent as inconsistent and difficult to understand, as the children are pulled along in the whirlwind life of the ENFP. Sometimes the ENFP will want to be their child’s best friend, and at other times they will play the parental authoritarian. But ENFPs are always consistent in their value systems, which they will impress on their children above all else, along with a basic joy of living.

ENFPs are basically happy people. They may become unhappy when they are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They have the ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they’re doing.

They have a strong need to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled. They need to maintain control over themselves, but they do not believe in controlling others. Their dislike of dependence and suppression extends to others as well as to themselves.

ENFPs are charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive, people-oriented individuals with capabilities ranging across a broad spectrum. They have many gifts which they will use to fulfill themselves and those near them, if they are able to remain centered and master the ability of following through.

Value/Time Management

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How much is your time worth? 
That’s the question asked in articles on value of time and it can even be calculated with the Worth Calculator.

What is this “Value/Time” in the title?

It seemed the easiest way to get across multiple meanings:

  • The equation of Value ÷ Time (e.g. 1 of 3 = 1/3, therefore Value of Time)
  • Intrinsically connecting both Value Management and Time Management

After writing about working with my boss on PowerPoint presentations in my last post,  I started noticing instances where I was, consciously or unconsciously, making decisions and adjustments based on value of time.

It is an indisputable fact that her time is more valuable than mine.  It is plainly written on our pay stubs and in our titles.  I can, quite literally, show you a figure (private) that represents my hourly worth while at work.  You can also estimate the difference in our worth by the titles (public) of our positions.  I have no illusion that everyone’s time is of equal worth while at work.  We are called “Support Staff” for a reason. Of course, this works both ways: “Above my pay grade” is a useful phrase.

After many years of being short-staffed, and with an impatience to get things finished and move on to the next thing, she will often try to do everything.  In the beginning, it was only out of being frustrated with something for an extended period that she would hand something off.  It’s taken a long time to get her to delegate to the growing staff, myself included.  We also had to be proactive and take things off of her plate.

With the growing staff, I find myself assisting and managing everyone (don’t think I don’t see the similarities with above).  If I have something at-hand, or can easily finish a part of a project, I will do so to free-up their time.  It’s frustrating for me to see someone try to reinvent something that already exists, or not ask for help.

“Don’t go searching for that, Eric knows where it is and can send it to you.”

Part of this aversion to asking for assistance is likely fear that one will seem helpless or incapable.  Today, an office mate (of higher value rate) was searching for a letterhead template (she was in the file where it was, but didn’t know which one to use because there were several versions).  She may have been looking for this for several minutes (at a rate of 2.5x the cost per minute vs. me looking for it) before saying anything. A 5 minute conversation that included her, my boss, and myself (exponentially more expensive minutes now) ensued with her not explaining what the letterhead was for (just ‘important’) and ended with her saying “I just won’t work on this then, since Eric is working on something else right now.”  Since this would cost even more money (work not being done), I immediately walked back to my desk and emailed her 2 versions.

10 minutes talking without communicating = $~1650.00 cumulative value/time wasted.

Do you know what I could do with $1650?  Besides the money, do you know what all three of us could have gotten done in the 10 (30 combined) minutes wasted?  This is about more than efficiency, though that plays a huge role.

What about Value/Time outside of work?

It’s my personal opinion that Vacation time (no matter what you do with it), is worth more than any other time.  Then, in a descending scale: Weekends, Holidays, work hours, evening waking hours, and finally sleeping hours.  Unlike the work hours, though, I feel everyone has the same value for time outside of work.

However, the argument could be made that Work and Vacation hours are equal, since they are often part of the whole compensation package, but that’s not worth my time to get into…

What are your thoughts on Value/Time Management?  I’d love to hear your comments.

 

 

Experience

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For the past 6 weeks, we’ve had a delightful British PhD student continuing her research in our office as part of her program.  Tomorrow is her last day in the office, so we put together a lunch seminar where we could all get pizza, and she could present some of her findings.  It was all very interesting, even if the science of it went way over my head.

Part of her research involves Flow Cytometry.  I won’t go into the details of her research (she’s about to publish a paper and still needs to finish her thesis), but one anecdote  really struck me.  She was discussing the wide array of experience of the subjects in her study (all flow technicians), and one of our colleagues asked if a particular skew in the data was due to inexperience vs. experience.  She laughed and told us this story:

Every participant was asked how long they had been using this technology.  In one group, she had an older man that said he’d been using this technology for 8 years next to a young researcher that had only been using it for less than a year.

Which one do you think had more experience, and therefore would have better understanding of the technology and data?

Obviously, she assumed the one with 8 years of experience would have the greater expertise and clearly accurate results.  It turns out that the man who said he’d been using this technology for 8 years had only used the technology once… 8 years ago.  The one that had been using it for less than a year used it on a daily basis and was far more accurate in his data analysis.

Now which one would you trust to use the technology or to read the data in the correct way?  What if the results of the test determined the effectiveness of your cancer treatment or what the correct dose of a treatment should be?

I suppose it is all context and self-promotion.  The first man wanted to be an ideal subject in the study with the confidence and bravado of an expert, even though his experience was simply +1 of the average person (those who do not work in labs).  In contrast, the young researcher may have felt she didn’t have enough experience, and therefore would be judged unworthy.*

Who would over-inflate their experience?  Almost everyone, you’ll find.

In my careers, I’ve had to vet many job applicants and decide whether or not they were worth interviewing based solely on their resumes.  What is a resume used for other than self-promotion?  It’s an audition on paper to get you in the door.  Most (we hope) are truthful, but a lot that I have seen are… ‘enhanced,’ shall we say?  (I also have opinions on multiple-page resumes, but that’s for another time.).  We just recently had a situation in my office where a temp that was hired obviously did not have the Office suite experience she said she did.

When I was looking for a job, I certainly tailored my resume and my cover letters to highlight how perfect I was for the position they were looking to fill.  I didn’t lie, though.  Like the older man above, however, I did list software that I had used in the last 20 years, just in case one of my future employers exclaimed:

“He knows Artsoft (an out-of-date DOS-based ticketing finance system)! We must hire him!!”

In my mind, I was showing that I was adaptable and could easily become proficient in a variety of software and platforms, but I can see now how it may have looked like I was just throwing as many up there as I could.  (Side note: On the train home this evening, someone had a backpack advertising Word Perfect. Remember that? Is it still in use?)

For my current position, I was specifically asked in my second interview (first face-to-face) if I knew PowerPoint.  Without hesitation (thankfully), I said that while I was familiar with it, it had been many years since I had had to use it, so I would need to have a refresher.  I went home that day, downloaded it, and familiarized myself before my next interview.

You see, my boss has continuously used it on an almost-daily basis for over 13 years.  Based solely on the interviewer’s one question, I was afraid that she would ask me to do something complicated that I wouldn’t know how to do, and they’d find out I’m a fraud.  Gradually, I came to realize that she wasn’t using it to its full potential – mostly because she has so many ideas in her head, she can’t take the time to make one thought look good before moving on to the next.  So out of my own personal need for her brilliant ideas to come across in a more appealing and accessible way, I’ve taught myself tricks and functions in PP that she never bothered with.  Now, we have fun coming up with graphics or animations to make the message more dynamic.  Two weeks ago, she drew a crazy matrix of lines and boxes to demonstrate her point on a whiteboard.  A colleague tried to reinvent it in a linear way, but it didn’t make sense.  I recreated the confusing (to me, clear to everyone else) graphics directly from her drawings, and she thought I was the most brilliant person in the room (for a change) because it’s not something she could have done.

Now anytime there is a graphic needed, she sketches it up and I make it.  Together, we bring our left brain and right brain focuses together to create a better product.  It’s not about hours logged of experience, it’s about comfort with complimentary aspects of the software.  I can easily put “proficient in PowerPoint” on my resume now.

Have you ever enhanced your experience to impress someone or to get a job?  Did it work?  I’d love to hear your stories.

 

 

*In a similar, though tangential, example, think of a senior sales manager and a junior salesperson.  The manager left the field 10 years ago, but oversees, mentors and motivates the sales staff.  The manager has overall experience in the industry and the staff has real-time, current experience in the field.  If this were real estate, for example, which experience would you want most in your corner as a seller?  The manager may know the history and have a long-view of the market, so he tells you to price at value to be safe, but the agent just sold the crappy house down the street for $30k over asking price because she knows what is happening in the current market, the inventory, and the buyers.  Ideally, you want them working together.

 

Pet Peeves

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I’m curious.  What are your pet peeves?

Here are some of mine off the top of my head:

  • When people say “on accident” instead of “by accident.”
  • Inconsiderate/entitled/rude people (especially in public)
  • “Expresso”
  • “Excetera”
  • Making everything that is said? Sound like a question? With weird pauses?
  • Slow walkers
  • People that stand in the doorway when the subway door opens
  • Open mouth chewing
  • #redundant #excessive #hashtags
  • Nail clipping in public, or even around just one other person
  • People that walk while staring down at their phones –  not looking where they are going
  • People blatantly looking at their phones while driving, or sitting in traffic
  • Misspelled/poor grammar signs
  • People that don’t pick up after their dogs
  • Parents that don’t keep their kids in check when they are misbehaving
  • Kids at restaurants on iPads
  • Kids anywhere on iPads
  • Toddlers playing with smartphones
  • People who try to finish your sentences or interrupt you by talking over you
  • People who don’t say thank you or acknowledge that you’ve held the door for them
  • Pressing the elevator or crosswalk button multiple times as if that will make it come sooner
  • Asshole parkers
  • Strollers in WDW… especially when the kids are too big for them, or when they are filled with bags, not children

Short version:
Rude or ignorant people.

Tell me yours below!

What do you want to be doing? What would be your ideal new job?!

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Anything but searching for jobs.

One that pays me.

You wouldn’t believe how many times I get these questions.  I understand it.  From an outside perspective, they are ‘safe’ questions to ask after those old chestnuts: “Any prospects?” or “How is the job search going?”

I have been guilty of it.  I’m sure we all have.  You feel bad for the poor friend that has lost his job and hasn’t found a new one yet.  You mentally knock-on-wood and briefly feel thankful for the job you were just complaining about 15 minutes earlier.  “There, but for the grace of…” and all that.  This is where those questions stem from.  I appreciate that they care enough to ask, but then it is up to me to change the subject before either of us gets too uncomfortable.

This must be how new mothers or pregnant women feel.  People are always asking them questions about (sometimes very) personal issues that are really none of their business and would be embarrassing in any other circumstance.  Picture a couple on a romantic date in a restaurant.  No one walks up to one of the diners and asks if his/her date sleeps through the night, if either of you were still breastfeeding, or how much weight you gained and lost in the last few months…at least, not in the restaurants I go to.

I am an open book, and have no problem telling you the truth: It’s a tough time to be unemployed.  There are too many of us looking, and the economy can’t handle all of us.  Two of the jobs I applied for went unfilled because the position or department (both State jobs) lost funding and were terminated.  The skills I have are not what people are looking for, especially in someone my age (more on that in a later post, maybe).  Whatever job I find will pay me 25-30% of the salary I was getting, not even taking into account the benefits, profit sharing, bonuses or travel that were all perks of my last job.  Some of the jobs I am applying for would pay me less than what I am currently receiving from unemployment insurance payments.  How depressing is that?  Talk about a party conversation killer.  Besides, I live with this on a daily (and in the waking hours of the night) basis.  I am always thinking of these things.  There is no need for you to bring it up when I am trying to enjoy myself.  Perhaps I came to this party to forget about my troubles.

More often than not, the question, or line of questioning, says more about you than the person being questioned.  We all project our own insecurities and fears when confronted with something uncomfortable.  Think of any conversation you’ve had at a wake, or when someone is diagnosed with a terminal disease.  You cannot help but think of how you would handle, or wouldn’t be able to handle, being in the same situation.  In those particular scenarios, I’ll take being unemployed over sick, dead, or losing my husband.  If someone asks me if I’m worried because I haven’t found something yet, that tells me that that is how they would be feeling at this point.  “What is it you want to be doing?” could almost be them asking themselves that out loud.  Again, I’ve seen people reassess their (often unhappy) current job, because although it is easy to say “I hate my job, I’m going to quit!” my reality is there in front of them.  I didn’t choose this, and it is difficult.

Perhaps it is a defense mechanism, but people really like to tell me how much they hate their jobs, as if saying that I’m lucky that I don’t have to work.  I am at a point where I am ready to say: “Fine. Quit. I will take your job!”

What do I want to be doing?
Not searching through dozens of job listing sites every day.  Not worrying about being able to pay bills.  Not having to apply for jobs that are written for recent college graduates.  Not stalking the HR Director that is notorious for not responding, even if the position is perfect for you, and then watching her post the opening for the 3rd time.  Not thinking about my husband’s birthday in 2 weeks, and how I can’t get him anything.  Not trying to explain how I know that I can do this job, even if it isn’t apparent on paper.  Not having a great interview and follow-up that leads to silence.  Not checking my resume for the 115th time because “____ didn’t give me an interview because there had to be a typo.”  Not being kept awake all night worrying.  I want to be working and earning my keep.

What would be my ideal job?
One that pays me for doing my work.  One that I am interested in.  If I could afford to live, I have always thought that I could be happiest selling popcorn on Main Street, USA in Walt Disney World.  I would be in the happiest place I know, making people happy, and I would never have to check email or voicemail as soon as I wake up and before I go to sleep.  I guess if I could become a VIP Guest Guide for Disney, that would be ideal.

I should have better answers for these questions, I know; but I don’t.

I lost my job after 11 years at one company.  True, it was a career that I didn’t go looking for, but it was a company that I was committed to, and I was good at it, so I had decided long ago that this was my career path.  Now that it is gone, I am leaving that career (for many reasons).  The marketable skill from that experience would most easily be translated to Sales in any field.  I am not a huge fan of the sleazier side of sales (see Why I Won’t be a Car Salesman), so of all of the applications I have sent out, sales positions probably represented a bit less than a third.  Today, I had an interview for an Events position.  For the past 20 years, I have been coordinating events on both a local and global scale, but if you just read what’s on my resume, that might be missed.  I was granted the interview for political reasons, but otherwise, I wouldn’t have been brought in.  Even if I explain in detail on my cover letter why I think I’m qualified for a particular job, there is no guarantee that it will be read or believed.  The interview is where my real skills shine through, not on paper, at least according to the last few interviewers.

So, I guess I’ll still keep searching and thinking about all this.  Maybe next time you ask, I’ll have answers for you.

But don’t feel like you have to ask.

 

Why I won’t be a car salesman…

Posted in Discussions & Opinions, WorkTagged , , , 3 Comments

When you look at my resume, it is clear to recruiters that my easiest and most recent marketable skills are in Sales.  This is not my happy place, but I know that it is what I have going for me right now.  In thinking about Sales positions to apply for, I have run through them all: Real Estate (I start classes today!), inside sales, Pharmaceutical, Tech, Auto, etc.  I determined early-on that I definitely did not want to be a car salesman.  The culture is not for me.  That feeling was reinforced this week.

We are in a unique situation that we have never been in before, my husband and I.  For the first time in our lives, we own our cars outright.  I am currently on my third car.  I still owed money on the financing of my first car (a black Dodge Neon named Effie) when I traded her in to buy my second car (silver Hyundai Elantra), and did the same with that one to get this one (dark grey Hyundai Elantra).  My first and second cars had been run into the ground with some major problems, so it made more sense to trade-in than fix them.  This one is in much better shape, it is paid off, and I hold the title (not the bank).  I can see myself trading this one in within the next year or so for an AWD (Hello, New England Winters!) Hyundai Tucson.  I would have chosen that last time, but for the color (white with gold trim) and the cost at the time.  I am also in the enviable position of having paid my car insurance premiums before they were due, so I don’t have any car-related bills (other than gas) until 2017.  This is a blessing during unemployment, believe me!

However, my husband has been bitten by the bug already, and he is also interested in the Tucson.  As I am still unemployed, I don’t think this is the best time to be adding to our monthly expenses, but we went to a few dealerships to check them out anyway.

The first one we went to was the new location of the dealership we bought our last 4 cars from.  They were courteous, knowledgeable, and appreciated our loyalty.  The  showroom was clean and well-ordered as was the lot, and the salesman came out to meet us after we had looked through the lot for a few minutes.  We went for a test drive, we talked numbers and specs, we learned about the different features, and were not given the hard-sell by the manager.  When it is time for my car, I’m going back there.

The second one we went to will never see my business, and it won’t see my husband’s if I can help it.  We walked around the lot for a long time trying to see what they had.  Where the other one had the cars parked together by model and year, this one was chaos.  The 2016’s were mixed in with the 2017’s, the used cars with the new, and the different models all over the place.  Service workers drove through with no regard for our safety, and no one came to talk to us, though we were out there for far longer than we were at the other place.  When we walked into the showroom, do you think they jumped up to talk to us?  No.  My husband had to walk up to a guy in the back of the showroom to ask if someone could help him.  That guy said that he was busy, but didn’t offer anyone else.  There was a woman sitting at her computer watching us the whole time, but not volunteering.  Only when both my husband and the other salesmen looked at her did she say she could help.  We came to find out (in an very unprofessional conversation later) that she had had a bad experience with a trashy man at the end of her shift the night before, and when she saw us walk in, she “thought: Hell no! Not again!”  Way to win-us-over, lady…  Anyway, she talked in circles and a vagueness that wouldn’t have been noticeable if we hadn’t already been talking to other salespeople about the same models.  She seemed distracted and not very interested in selling anything to us, though we were friendly and affable.  She continued her tact of not caring and pretending to be ‘on our side.’  Given the other stories she told us, and the way she interacted with the manager as we were driving away, that was obviously an act.  I’m sure there are people that feel that they can trust her and feel comfortable with her, but I was not one of those people.  The showroom was messy and they didn’t have any brochures for the car we wanted.  The brochure racks were half-full and disorganized, like everything else in this place.

Did I mention that my husband told her exactly what he wanted?  No?  He did.  When we told her the second time what we were looking for and referenced cars we had seen in her lot, she got frustrated and made us go back outside to look at the models.  Even she didn’t know where they were and couldn’t find them.  She took the number off of one of the cars (not one that we would have bought, mind you), just to “run the numbers on the financing.”  My husband had shown up with credit score and loan pre-approval with APR in hand, but they didn’t seem to believe any of it.  We made sure they did not run a check, risking a hit to the score.  They went into the manager’s office and she came back with $2800 off the sticker price.  When we asked what that was, she said she didn’t know, but it included the trade-in and “some rebates.”  We made her go back and find out what those were, knowing the deals that the other dealerships were doing, and knowing the resale value of the trade-in.  She came back to say the trade-in was $1500 and the rest were “rebates.”  We told her that we knew there was a $500 loyalty rebate and a $500 summer sale rebate, so really he was discounting the sticker price by $300.  Also, the resale value of the car was nearly 5 times what they were offering.

The manager came out (I forgot to mention that she was in jeans and a casual top, and the manager was in a too-tight red polo shirt and jeans. I saw one man in a shirt and tie.) to see how we were doing.  I was done being there, and it was time for lunch, so I told him that we knew what the rebates were, and that the trade-in was worth more.  He blustered that he used to be a cop, so he was always clear and transparent with everything.  Right. We had to go back out to the parking lot to find the actual car that my husband would consider, which was $2500 less. So they went back to his office to talk some more and go through those numbers.  After a few minutes, they came back out and told my husband that they would sell him that car for $— per month.  Period.  No discussion.  He was happy, because that’s what he wanted.  I, of course, would have none of that.

“How did you come up with that number?” I asked the manager.  “Well, I moved some numbers around, and I gave you some other rebates and discounts.” he said, not answering my question.  I pressed him, but he would give the same answer.  “So you gave us more for the trade-in, or you found other rebates?” I asked, knowing he didn’t, and he admitted that he was giving us 1800 for the car, and the two 500 rebates.  So… the same deal.  Anyway, the answer was enough for my husband, so they promised to hold that offer for 24 hours.  The saleswoman told us that she was off the next day, so it would really be held for 48 hours.  That’s when she took us outside for her unprofessional stories.

Here’s what the manager was doing:  He refused to commit to a price, and that is where I knew he was not dealing fairly.  If he guarantees what your monthly payments are (in this case, 72 months), he controls what the final price of the car will be after you’ve already agreed.  If you take this deal, he will work to get the lowest % on your financing, because then he can declare a higher cost on your car, giving them more profit and higher commission.  It could turn out that we get 2.5%, which would mean that we are essentially paying the sticker price for the car, and not getting any trade-in value or discounts at all.  That, to me, is crooked dealing.  If he was as honest and transparent as he says he is, then he would have answered my questions and told us what the new deal price would be, not take us for suckers.

As we were driving away, they watched us, talking and laughing with each other.

So I would be happy to be in a Sales position, but not at the cost of my integrity or soul.  Car dealerships, being naturally much more competitive than other industries, tend to breed a culture that is sickening to me.

To teach proper behavior or to reward proper behavior? That is the question.

Posted in Discussions & Opinions, DisneyTagged , , , , , , 1 Comment

This is such a great idea for dealing with your young children in Disney!  The psychology of an ‘other’ watching over your deeds and rewarding you for doing the right thing – Santa, Elf on a Shelf (what a creep…), etc. – frees the parent from being seen as a ‘mark’ that can be easily blackmailed into providing gifts just for behaving properly.  Kids are smarter than most give them credit for.  As an outside observer (spoiler: I don’t have any children), sometimes I see kids in restaurants or in Walt Disney World that are clearly taking advantage of their tired, overworked parents. And those poor, tired, overworked parents either give in or snap.  Everyone’s time is ruined.  Good manners and proper behavior are learned skills, and I don’t think many people are teaching these things these days.

I had an interview at a local historic hotel yesterday.  In the interview, our discussion included supervising Millennials.  We both gave our observations of entitlement and the nonchalance towards the effects of their actions that have become endemic to that particular demographic.  My interviewer gave an example that one of the young food and beverage workers didn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and an espresso cup; her experience being solely that of Starbucks, where everything comes in paper cups. “Gone are the high teas at the Ritz,” she said.  And she was right.  There was once a time where you went to dinner at Grandma’s house, or had a proper Thanksgiving dinner with all of the silverware and glasses.  You learned how to use everything, to not fidget, to not yell, and THERE WERE NO TABLETS OR PHONES!! (sorry, I know that these are easy ‘babysitters,’ but you are teaching your children to disengage from conversation and from the outside world and its experiences, and not teaching them how they should be acting in public – OK, rant over).  I wish people still took their children to High Tea, or used wedding dinners or eating out at restaurants as exercises in learning how to act properly.  Heck, maybe I’ll invent a game for the iPad that teaches etiquette and table manners!

Back to Walt Disney World and rewarding behavior in kids:  We just returned from a trip earlier this month.  For the middle 3 days, we were joined by our family, which included three children aged 5, 8 and 13.  Because of the age differences, and the demographics (2 young girls, 1 teenage boy), I don’t think the plan in the link above would have worked for all of them.

We went with a different strategy.

My husband and I had long talked about making up business cards to hand to Cast Members that made our experience extra special. Typically, we would keep a list of the names and locations of extraordinary CM’s to include in our trip surveys when we returned home.  We hoped, but never knew for sure, whether they received that recognition.  We knew that with the cards, they could show them to their supervisors, if they wanted, as an immediate recognition of great service.  We finally did make those cards for this trip, and we made one very special and sassy CM almost come to tears when we handed it to her.  She had been extra helpful and so very playful with my husband.  When we handed the card to her, she said “I’m going to hang this on my fridge!” Her supervisor later came to find us in the lobby to thank us for doing that.  She told us that that CM would be retiring next week, and we had touched all their hearts with our kindness.  Another CM immediately ran to her coworker to show off the card we gave her and they both came to tell us that that was the best thing that had happened to them that day.  We also used the back of the cards to write our contact information for friends that we had made during the trip.

The front of our cards:

IMG_0638 [940240]

We had also added a picture of both of us on the back of some of them.

Realizing that today’s youth take a lot of things for granted (I put some blame on grade school graduation ceremonies, everyone-gets-an-award, everyone-gets-on-the-team, and other coddling, character-erasing, entitling practices – sorry, I promised no more rants…), we created simpler cards for the kids that said “Thank you for making my day Magical” with various Disney clip art characters on them.

Here are the cards in Word format if you wish to customize them yourself: Thank you cards.  I do not own the rights to the clip art.  Print them out on standard printable business card stock.

We handed out a stack of these to each of the kids in the morning and told them to ‘sign’ their name on them.  We told them to give them to any Disney employee that made them smile, or helped them to do something, or were just really good at their job.  We thought about incentives for handing them all out, but didn’t want to make it a competition, or have them just randomly giving them out to everyone in the first 10 minutes.  I wasn’t sure they would get the concept, or be willing to participate, but they did.  My heart went into my throat when the teenage boy was the first to give his out, without prompting, to the bus driver that had told corny jokes and teased one of the riders with a birthday button on our way to the park.  We had all laughed along and it was a jovial bus ride. As we exited the bus, he walked to the driver and handed him the card with a “thank you” and walked out.  No one was watching, and he didn’t look for immediate recognition for what he had done.  It was a better start than I had hoped for.  We continued through the day, and I think some of the cards were given out, though other things took hold of their focus.

Will this change how the kids interact with other people in the future?  I don’t know.  I do know that there are a few extraordinary Cast Members that received these cards and, for just a moment, received a heartfelt thank you for a job well done.  Maybe it gave them a smile or some needed assurance in their job that day.  I also know that when we handed them out, we received the joy of being able to give some magic to someone that had brought some to us.  I hope that the kids will remember those moments, and maybe one day it will cause them to stop and be thankful for what others have done for them.

Thank the barista for making your latte.  Thank the stranger for holding the door for you.  Hold the door for someone else.  Give up your seat on the bus to someone that needs it more than you. Brighten someone’s day for just a moment.  You never know if that may be the one little spark that ignites their will to go on.  

Sow a seed of gratitude and watch it grow.