Last year, I lost my mother in May, my boss lost her father in August, and then I lost my aunt (my Mom’s sister) in November (on the same day my father had passed 9 years earlier). All of them had dealt with illnesses that had tinged the dark, deep grief with a dim glow of relief that they were no longer suffering. At the time it feels wrong to have that little glow of relief, but I have learned to accept it. Now, when a friend is grieving in the same way, the comfort I can offer them is the acknowledgment that this dichotomy of emotions is not only healthy and valid, but can be tapped into to gain the strength to get through the celebrations and obligations that are part of this process.
We have seen a few friends lose parents or siblings during this global pandemic and systemic lock down, and my heart always grieves a little deeper for them. In most cases, the person who had passed had done so alone in forced isolation, some from COVID-19 in a painful and horrible way, alone and without the basic comfort of human touch.
One day, I woke up with a thought:
Is it wrong to be glad that my mother died last year, and not during this pandemic?
I felt bad even thinking such a thought. Obviously, I’d rather still have my mother alive, but she was living in an assisted facility in the last stages of Alzheimer’s Disease. She would have been isolated, at high risk, and confused during this pandemic. We would not be able to visit, and she would not be able to understand us on the phone, or recognize us on the other side of a window. Also, if she died during this pandemic, we would not be able to gather as a family to grieve together.
So is it wrong that I am grateful that she did not hang on to die during this pandemic?
I had this conversation with my boss (a former psychiatrist), and she agreed. If her father had held on, she would not have been able to fly to him, or be with him as he passed. She agreed that it was a conflicting feeling, but that we were both valid in our gratitude.
Well maybe that is valid, but what about…
Four years ago, I was laid off/bought-out of my Booking Agent position. I have already expressed how blessed and lucky I am to be able to work from home, but I have watched the live entertainment industry adapting and cannibalizing itself, and think: thank the gods I am out!
Perhaps it speaks volumes that I feel badly for the artists that are suffering but I feel little sympathy for the agencies, management, or record industry. You would assume there would be some schadenfreude, but I really will feel horrible when agencies or management companies, especially those that have worked for 40+ years in the interest of the artists, start to fold. I know of one or two that will not be able to recover from these cancellations and 18-24 month postponement of payments. I should feel vindicated, but I only feel sad and worried.
Who is to say what s right and wrong? Who is to determine whether one’s feelings are valid or not? I will: You. You are the only one to answer these questions. And you are the only one to forgive yourself or allow yourself to feel the way you truly feel.
We all need to trust our feelings, especially now during this troubling time.
Trust in yourself.
Trust in your feelings.
Trust that you know yourself better than anyone.
Trust.
Small Stuff 